


Connie Swap Episode 6: Universal Appeal

by br42, BurdenKing, CoreyWW, MjStudioArts



Series: Connieswap [6]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Absent Parents, Alternate Universe, Arguing, Art, Bitterness, Cute, Dancing, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Gen, Healthy Relationships, Love, Meeting the Parents, Momswap, New Year's Eve, Party, Pictures, Resentment, Sad, Sad Ending, Secrets, Shipping, Slice of Life, Steven Universe AU, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-10-30 07:36:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10872153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurdenKing/pseuds/BurdenKing, https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MjStudioArts/pseuds/MjStudioArts
Summary: Steven’s parents want to meet Connie and the Gems and have invited them over for a New Year’s Eve dinner and celebration.





	1. Rockstars meet Star Rocks

  


Connie looked up and down the street for the third time in as many minutes, hands in her pockets, stomping her booted feet to attempt to drive out the cold. She stood, hunched and jittery, beside the force field she’d summoned to help protect her from the biting winter wind.

 _Note to self: sweater, leggings, and boots are not sufficient attire for waiting outside in the cold_ , thought the girl as a shiver ran up her spine.

A frosty eternity later and a school bus pulled up. The doors opened and from inside Connie heard a gregarious voice call out, “Bye everyone! Hope you all have a good New Years!”

Steven, his boots and winter clothing making the already large and stocky boy seem bigger, stepped off the bus and crossed the street, heading over to the girl. 

“Connie! Eppati irukkinga?” he asked, no longer stumbling quite so much with the Tamil he’d been learning.

Connie replied in sign language, ‘I’m fine but-’, and then paused in thought before she shrugged and mimed shivering in the cold.

It was a very convincing performance.

With a shared chuckle, Steven showed her the motions for the word while she shouldered her backpack and retrieved her bike from the tree it was leaning against. The two set off down the sidewalk at a brisk pace.

“How was school?” asked Connie.

“It was fun. Mostly watching videos or everyone sitting around chatting since it was the last day of the semester. The coach keeps trying to get me to sign up for the football team. Oh, tell Peridot that my English teacher still hasn’t finished reading her dissertation on how the works of Shakespeare are like a worse form of Camp Pining Hearts. When I asked, she said it was ‘quite comprehensive’ and that it would take her a few more weeks to get through. Then she drank from a little flask she keeps tucked in her coat pocket… Actually, she does that most times I pass along Peridot’s notes. Weird.”

Connie shook her head. “Peridot needs an editor --me printing _Shakespeare as the Lesser Literary Antecedent to Camp Pining Hearts_ at the library is why they switched to a pay-per-page system, after all-- but I’m not sure dad could pay anyone enough for the job to be worth it.”

Steven nodded and the two walked without talking for a time before he suddenly exclaimed, “Oh! And Peedee wants to run a game of _Lutes and Loot_ with me and Jeff; my New Year’s homework is to fill out the character sheet he printed off for me. I’m sure he’d let you join too if you wanted in,” invited Steven.

“That’s the game about people with magic and weapons fighting monsters, right?” asked Connie, a look of reluctance on her face.

“Yeah... Oh,” he said with slow realization.

Connie gave a weak chuckle. “Thanks but no thanks. I’ll stick to the literary genre for that brand of escapism if it’s all the same to you.”

The pair walked in silence until they reached an unassuming stretch of trees. Connie stopped, pulled off her backpack, and rummaged through it while Steven supported her bike for her. She withdrew several packs of jerky, some rawhide bones, and a pack of breath-freshening, bone-shaped, dental hygiene chewables for dogs.

“You’re really sure it’s him eating all this stuff?” asked Steven as he watched her opening the packaging.

Connie summoned a horizontal force field a ways into the forest, about five feet off the ground, then distributed the treats over top. She then stuffed the empty packages into her pack and willed a second field, sandwiching the consumables between.

“Well, I have spotted him in this area a couple of times while I was coming over to meet you. Also, I can tell when one of my fields breaks instead of just fading away. With each of these snack platters, I feel the break right around the time I hear Wolf howling in the distance. I mean, if he could shatter magical ice walls, he can probably break force fields too.”

Steven shrugged as they walked back from their little detour. “Wolf? We really should give him a name.”

Connie grinned. “He has a name… It just happens to be Wolf. Besides, you have a house cat that looks like a lion named Lion. Glass houses, Universe.”

“Heh, yeah, fair point,” he answered then a few yards later asked, “Do you think Peridot would ever let you keep him?”

“When I was six I asked Peridot for a pet hamster. We spent the next four days covering a module on parasites and the history of plagues. When I was seven I wanted a puppy. We researched rates of maulings and fatalities from animal attacks. I could go on but the point is, Peridot’s made her stance clear and I don’t think she’d make an exception for a magical wolf that’s larger than some cars.”

Steven shrugged, sparing a glance over his shoulder at the hovering barriers. “Well, I’m happy our little walks let you get past her mom sense.”

“Mom sense?” said Connie, looking at the boy, eyebrow raised.

“Yeah, that thing moms have when they know you’re hiding something. You gotta try really hard to sneak something past the mom sense, especially in their house. I know Peridot’s not really a mom but she gives off the same vibes sometimes.”

Connie pondered this for a moment before shaking her head. “Regardless, thanks for helping me with my clandestine canine conspiracy, Steven. Oh, and if I don’t see you before, have a happy-”

“NEW YEAR!” exclaimed Steven, causing Connie to jump. “I almost forgot! Mom and dad wanted me to invite you, your dad, and the gems over to our house for New Years Eve. The renovation work is pretty much done, by the way. There’ll be food, music, fun, probably some dancing. The usual, really. It… It’d be great if you could come,” he said, looking at her with big eyes.

A moment later he blinked, then added hastily, “And everyone else too.”

Connie found it hard to find a place to put her free hand for some reason, settling for gripping her bike with unnecessary firmness. “Oh. I mean, I don’t normally do much for New Years except watch cheesy movies with Lapis until midnight. And dad’s usually extra busy this time of year… but…,” and Steven was looking at her hopefully, “yeah, count us in. Well, me and the gems. I’ll have to check if dad can make it,” she added.

Steven gave her his characteristic, thousand-watt smile as they reached the point where their paths forked. “Great! I’ll tell mom and dad and I’ll text you the details later! Bye, Connie!” he called as they parted ways. 

“Sounds good! Bye, Steven!” replied Connie as she mounted her bicycle, waved, and peddled down the road.

A few minutes later Connie jerked in her seat slightly, the bike wobbling a little with the fidget, as though something had caught her notice or broken her concentration. A beat later and the winter wind carried on it the sound of a wolf howling.

* * *

When Connie told the gems about the invite, their response had been generally positive.

Peridot had agreed readily enough reasoning from Steven’s apparent physical and mental health that the Universes would be able to provide a safe and pleasant environment for the occasion.

Lapis had been napping in Peridot’s lap at the time, muttering unhappily in her sleep while Peridot gave her a gentle scalp rub with one hand. Once roused, however, she was amenable to the idea, although she made sure Connie knew about the custom of kissing at midnight by blowing a loud, wet raspberry on Peridot’s cheek.

It took three tries to convince Jasper that, one: the invite applied to her as well, two: Connie would be sad if she didn’t come, three: she could just call all the humans present ‘Universe’ and it be technically accurate, four: she didn’t have to wear physical clothes the way Lapis and Peridot were planning to, and five: she could patrol before and after the party but not during.

Doug had a job in Empire City he couldn’t get out of but he apologized profusely and asked Connie to thank ‘this Steven fellow and his family’ on his behalf.

* * *

“Sea foam or burgundy?” asked Connie holding up two outfits.

Lapis looked up from helping Peridot tuck the arms of her shirt into her limb enhancers. “Sea foam… though I might be considered a biased source for that one.”

“No, you are correct: her iris pigmentation and melanin concentration is complementary with colors contained with the ‘pastel’ subset,” supplied Peridot.

“Thanks you two. By the way, nice beanie, Lapis. I wasn’t even sure you guys would have any winter clothes, since, ya know, gems,” said Connie.

“Naw, Dipdop and I have worked our way through just about every season and fashion at one point or another. ‘Bout the only thing we don’t muck with is footwear: Peri’s set from the word ‘go’ and I wear shoes for no gem,” boasted Lapis.

Jasper, who was watching the proceedings with mild amusement, rolled her eyes.

Peridot turned to Lapis and challenged her with, “How about for Connie?”

Lapis knelt down, putting a hand on Connie’s shoulder, her face suddenly serious. “I would do anything in the world for you, kiddo. But… shoes?” she pleaded.

Connie bit back a laugh and nodded benevolently. “That’s okay. Just be sure to wipe your feet before going in Steven’s house.”

“Naw, I’ll just make Peri, Peri, Quite Contrary carry me instead.”

* * *

While walking down the walkway to the Universe Instrument Shop, School of Musical Instruction, Recording Studio, and family home, Peridot gave a sudden exclamation. “Triumph! No Wi-Fi network can thwart my intrusion techniques.”

Lapis leaned in to look over Peridot’s shoulder at the display she’d brought up. “Oh, how cute: Pinkie Pie has posted some pictures of the meal on Instabrag. Look at that roast! Ooh, Papa Universe knows what he’s doing. No wonder Pinkie’s built like an overcooked Quartz.”

Jasper, who was ducking under a tree branch, gave a dismissive grunt.

Connie rounded on Lapis and Peridot and said, “Listen, I’m happy that you two are happy, but this is the first normal-person outing we’ve been on… ever and Steven is my first real friend.”

“Hey!” objected both gems in unison.

Connie rolled her eyes. “You guys know what I mean. Can you two promise me to be on your _best_ behavior? _Please_?”

“Fine, I’ll stop drooling over Steven’s dad’s meat-” but Lapis was interrupted when Peridot elbowed her in the side.

“Don’t worry, dear. I’m responsible enough for the both of us,” said the Green gem.

Connie looked up at Jasper with a helpless expression, “At least I know you won’t embarrass me.”

The large gem hinted at a smile then motioned toward the door.

When Connie had turned to approach the door Jasper fixed Lapis and Peridot with a hard stare for a moment before returning to her impassive default expression.

Lapis stuck out her tongue.

On the stoop, Connie’s hand wavered over the doorbell nearly a full minute before Lapis threatened to announce the group with a loudly delivered limerick of questionable taste.

_Ding-dong_

A moment later and the door opened. The largest non-orange woman Connie had ever seen was framed in the doorway. She had voluminous curls of thick brown hair, dark, friendly eyes, full lips, and a profusion of floral-pattern tattoos covering her left arm from collar bone to wrist.

“I take it back,” whispered Lapis to Peridot, eyebrows raised, “ _that’s_ why Stevedore looks like Jasper’s understudy.”

The woman smiled, a full smile that reached her eyes, and said, “Welcome to our home and Happy New Years. I’m Rosemary Universe but please, call me Mary. Come in,” and she stepped aside.

Connie seemed unsure how to proceed so Peridot stepped in first. “I am Peridot and social conventions dictate I commend you on what an aesthetically pleasing domicile you have.”

“That’s kind of you to say,” said Mary, shaking… hands? with Peridot, eyeing the floating fingers with delight.

“I’m Lapis,” and she gave Mary a fist bump before pointing to her arm. “Nice tats! I’d destabilize before I got through the first session.”

Mary chuckled. “Thank you, they were certainly a long-term project. Of course, they’re not half so colorful as you all.”

Jasper squeezed through the door then looked at the hostess. “Jasper.”

“Well, the pamphlet sure didn’t sell you short. It’s a pleasure,” and she extended a hand to the Orange gem.

Jasper stared at the human’s exposed palm greeting for a moment, glanced over at Connie who was giving her a pleading look, then frowned and tried to match the gesture. A kind of squeeze contest happened briefly, which the human did surprisingly well at, their calloused hands oddly rough to the touch.

“You’ve got a good grip,” said the warrior before adding after a pause, “Universe.”

The human smiled and broke the handshake. “Thanks. It takes a lot of work to show the local plants who’s boss. That,” and she pitched her voice to carry across the house, “and hauling my husband’s junk around.”

Lapis snorted. Mary gave her a wink.

“Collectibles!” was the objection that came from somewhere within the depths of the house.

“I’m not sure they count as collectibles if they fill an entire barn, a storage unit, and most of a two-car garage,” answered Mary.

“I prefer to think of myself as a very genteel dragon and that as my hoard,” came the reply. Then a kitchen timer chimed and the flow of banter across the house dried up.

Finally, Connie stepped inside, partially hidden behind Jasper’s bulk. With all eyes elsewhere, Connie tried to take in her surroundings.

The house was a large one. To the left of the entryway was a large set of double doors, shut, with a sign taped up that read, ‘Closed until January 2nd.’ Within was a large room with hardwood floors. Numerous instruments were propped up on display, as well as countless related items (straps, reeds, bows, strings, cleaning supplies, and more) mounted on the walls. There looked to be a desk with a cash register situated in a corner.

To the right was what looked to be the living room, with ample seating, a fireplace, and a mantel. Unlike most houses, however, there was also a baby grand piano, a harp, an upright bass, a clarinet, an alto saxophone, as well as several guitars and guitar-like instruments (ukulele, mandolin, even a sitar) lining the edges of the room. Judging from the music stands and sheafs of sheet music, this was where the music lessons took place.

A record player was situated in a place of pride along one wall, _Long, Long, Long_ from _The White Album_ playing.

In front was a set of stairs leading up to the second floor and, beside that, a hallway. Said hallway ran the width of the house, leading to a pair of large french doors looking out onto a brightly lit patio in the backyard.

And everywhere there were plants: in window boxes, in pots vying for floor space with the instruments, hanging from the ceiling, even a few vines that had been guided up along the walls.

 _I wonder if there’s actually more oxygen in the house than average_ , thought a corner of Connie’s mind. She couldn’t stop herself from inhaling deeply in a mix of curiosity and nerves.

Mary approached the girl, smiling. “You must be Connie. Steven has told me ever so much about you. You’re quite the remarkable young woman.”

Connie blushed and found it hard to meet Mary’s eyes. “Oh. Th-Thank you. I’m sure Steven exaggerated though.”

Mary gave a little chuckle and said, “Maybe, but Yellowtail doesn’t do red herrings. After the collapse over at the docks, he came by and talked with us a bit. From what he said, I think I can believe Steven’s stories.”

She then crouched down and gave Connie a more serious look. “Thank you for keeping him safe from that creature.”

“No problem, ma’am. A-All in a day’s work,” she stammered out, before looking around again and asking, “Where is Steven, anyway?”

“He had to rush upstairs to get ready for the occasion. He should be down-”

A too-loud voice called from the second floor, “Mom? Dad? Is Connie here yet?” as Steven walked into view at the top of the stairs and froze. He was dressed in nice jeans and a mostly tucked-in, pink polo shirt he was still in the process of buttoning.

Mary gestured to her ear and Steven reached up to fiddle with his hearing aids.

Steven flushed slightly and descended the steps. “H-Hi Connie. Lapis. Peridot. Jasper.”

Everyone gave their replies, with Jasper muttering, “Universe,” as the boy approached. Mary attempted to finish tucking in the boy’s shirt but he gave her a whisper of, “ _Mooom_!” that dripped teenage embarrassment. He hurriedly finished the job himself.

There was a clang deeper in the house followed by a yelp. “Hey honey, this fondue is about to become a _fon-don’t_. Can I get a little backup?”

Mary turned to the group. “You’ll have to excuse me for a moment. Steven, can you show our guests somewhere comfortable to sit while they wait? Dinner shouldn’t be long,” and she moved swiftly down the hallway before turning left and disappearing from sight.

Steven led everyone towards the living room.

“Your house looks really nice, Steven. Is your room up on the second floor?” asked Connie.

“Yeah, she needs to know what balconHEY-” Lapis started to say before Jasper flicked her in the back of the head. Lapis sputtered something while Peridot and Jasper shared a nod.

Steven, accustomed to the trio’s antics, spared Connie a smile and replied. “Heh, yeah. Upstairs is where all the bedrooms are, as well as dad’s ‘mellow room’ where he likes to work on new songs. And nap. It’s full of all the crazy band posters that mom says, ‘aren’t for public viewing.’”

Lapis and Peridot snickered over this while Jasper tried to weave between the light fixtures and hanging plants. Connie continued to gawk at the warm-but-cluttered household; not messy but a definite departure from Peridot’s militant stance on household order. 

Steven gestured invitingly at the collection of couches and armchairs. He then walked over and transferred an errant piccolo and a pile of sheet music over onto an already crowded coffee table. He and Connie sat on either end of the couch, both looking over at the other, then finding a reason to fidget with their clothing or hair.

Lapis dragged Peridot over to a small loveseat, then flopped down, pulling the Green gem onto her lap.

Jasper stood.

Towards the back the room opened up, a neatly arranged dinner table was visible, and the muted sounds of talk and kitchen-related activity were just audible.

Connie cleared her throat. “So, Steven, how’s the music shop doing?”

He smiled and said, “Pretty well. Sadie comes in sometimes to buy sheet music from the choir section. Mom says she usually gets pop songs. Uh, the mayor’s son Buck is taking guitar lessons. Ronaldo wants didgeridoo lessons so mom’s been studying up on that,” and he gestured to what Connie had originally taken for a heavily decorated rainstick that was leaning in the corner.

Steven thought for a moment and added, “Oh, and Sour Cream says he’ll be able to afford the theremin we’ve got in stock after his next DJing gig. He also comes in to use the recording studio sometimes to work on some secret ‘Guac-Rock’ project of his.”

A cat sauntered into the room, the ruff of hair around its neck making it look every bit its namesake. Lion hopped up onto Steven’s lap, deigning to allow the boy to pet him. Contented, he laid his head down and purred, the roomful of colorful aliens failing to hold his interest.

Lapis removed the hand she had resting on Peridot’s hip and pointed out several of the instruments around the room. “Hey Peri, remember that time you made the robonoids perform all six of Bach’s _Brandenburg Concertos_? And that one kept catching the harpsichord on fire?”

Peridot gave an amused chuckle. “The ersatz robonoids of the day did have their quirks, but the flammable nature of 18th century Earth-tech ensured they failed in exciting ways. That was a diverting time, even if the Number Six adagio ended in a very imperfect cadence indeed.”

Lapis sighed and looked a little nostalgic. “Yeah, Prussia was a lot of fun in the early 1700s.”

Peridot turned to Steven and Connie and, in a stage whisper, said, “She’s just saying that because the shade of blue that kingdom had helped popularize looks just like her.”

Steven looked to Connie and wiggled his ears. Connie reached up and wiggled her own back. The pair shrugged.

Some clanging later and the sounds of a duet wafted into the room. A large man with long hair, an aggressively receding hairline, and a… bold cherry-patterned sweater walked into view holding a roast with an oven mitt and a hand towel. Over his sweater was an apron that read, ‘ ~~Starving~~ Artist.’ 

He was singing the tenor part to a song Connie didn’t recognize while Mary followed after him, singing the melody in a sweet alto. She was holding a bowl of salad and a soup tureen.

He set the roast down on the table, then whipped a hand back and sucked on a finger for a moment before noticing the five sets of eyes looking his way.

Mr. Universe gave a broad smile and looked over the group before he spotted Jasper: the large gem was stooped slightly to avoid bumping the ceiling. He went wide-eyed, and muttered, ‘whoa mama,’ in a soft voice.

Mary, smirking, reached over and closed her husband’s mouth for him, then swatted him playfully on the shoulder. Mr. Universe smiled through his embarrassment and stepped clear of the table.

“Wow, Steven wasn't kidding. You hear about the magic women but you never think you'll actually meet them, let alone host them for dinner. How cool is this?! Anyway, this food isn’t for looking at; come on and grab a seat, fill a plate.”

He started to turn when Mary cleared her throat. “Oh, right. I’m Greg. And between all the stories from Shtu-ball and all the times you guys show up on the cuckoo-bananas paperwork in this town, I think we can skip the introductions and jump straight to the food. How’s that sound?”

Lapis cheered and literally flew into dining room, causing surprised laughter from Mary and Greg.

* * *

The dining room was spacious, with a large, framed poster as well as numerous family photos covering the walls. There was a long table with Jasper at one end, sitting in a particularly old and durable-looking recliner that had been brought in just for her.

Sitting nearest to Jasper on the gem’s left was Connie, followed by Lapis and then Peridot. Sitting opposite Connie was Steven, then Mary across from Lapis, and Greg, from Peridot.

Connie opened the meal by calling out, “Itadakimasu,” causing the Universes to chuckle and follow along.

“Ita-daka-ma...?” asked Peridot.

“ITA-DAKA-MA!” cried Lapis, pulling Peridot in close with a big smile on her face.

“It’s okay, Peridot,” said Connie. “It means a ‘Thank you for the food, let’s eat’ kinda thing.”

“Ah! Bon appetit,” said Peridot to the table, receiving calls of the same in reply.

“Bohn App-ee-tit!” shouted Lapis, mispronouncing the phrase, voicing the silent ‘t’ at the end, and drawing another round of laughs.

The **first course** was a cheese fondue and salad. Peridot had needed to keep three floating fingers in reserve just for swatting Lapis’ hand away from the rest of the food. 

Connie mentioned how Doug had met her mother at one of Greg and Mary’s concerts and how he had one of their CDs as a keepsake. The performers responded in delighted tones at the fact. Jasper and Peridot both elbowed Lapis the moment she attempted to add her own thoughts to the subject.

The **second course** was a black-eyed pea soup with rolls, which Mary said was a traditional New Year’s dish where she’d been raised. Peridot commended the legumes for their high manganese and folic acid content. 

She and Mary also discussed gardening techniques while Steven tried unsuccessfully to draw Jasper into a discussion about the superheroes he thought she resembled; her response being along the lines of, “fiction and rhetoric make for poor sparring partners.” 

The **third course** was the roast paired with mashed potatoes and grilled asparagus. Lapis used an asparagus stem as a prop cigar and delivered a few Groucho Marx quotations. Jasper, who neither ate nor was much of a conversationalist (and thus had little to do other than referee Lapis), shot the gem a warning glare. Greg joined in and an impromptu Marx Brother’s recitation broke out.

That a little roast disappeared off the table after a certain fluffy head bumped repeatedly against Steven’s leg was surely a coincidence.

 **Dessert** was a lemon meringue pie, which caught Peridot’s interest especially. Connie and Steven swapped jokes about the likeness between technician and treat via sign language. None of the gems were fluent in it and if either Greg or Mary noticed, they didn't say anything.

* * *

“If I eat another bite, I’ll poof,” groaned Lapis, patting her stomach.

“There’s a bathroom down the hall and on the left,” said Mary.

Peridot chuckled. “Not quite. She means to say any more mass ingested would cause her physical form to destabilize and she’d retreat into her gemstone to recover.”

Mary gave the fixed smile and nod she’d used more than once when the more esoteric aspects of gem physiology had come up in conversation.

Greg then slammed a fist on the table, rattling the plates.“We’re too full to dance, it’s too early for champagne, and we haven’t scared the young folk off yet. That can mean only one thing: Dad Jokes!” he announced.

Steven groaned theatrically as Greg cleared his throat. “How many apples grow on trees?”

Peridot tapped her chin with a floating finger. “I happen to be an expert cultivator of apples as well as a master statistician, so I’ll solve your patriarch riddle. Let's see, based on the output we see from the garden, then reducing that to account for subpar human agricultural practices and technologies, times the estimated acreage given over to apple tree growth... Is it considered cheating if I pull down some data from your Wi-Fi network to allow me to work up an order-of-magnitude estimate?”

While Peridot was tapping away at her holographic displays and thinking out loud, Connie leaned across the table and tapped a startled looking Greg’s hand. “Uh, Mr. Universe, she's not going to stop so you should probably just tell your punchline, sir.”

Greg looked at Connie, then back at Peridot. “Oh, um… the answer is, ‘all of them.’”

There was a moment of silence.

“HA! ‘All of them!’,” cried Peridot and she pounded the table with her equivalent of a fist. “The listener is made to expect an exacting technical result for a complex but tractable problem, and then is answered with a terse tautology!”

She cackled a while longer and wiped under her eye, then looked at Greg expectantly.

“Another, eh? Hmm... What does a clock do when it’s still hungry?” asked Greg. 

Mary, meanwhile, was staring at her husband with half-lidded eyes and an easy smile on her lips.

Jasper blinked, not quite following along but looking as though she wanted her chance to hit the table too.

“It stuffs its face?” guessed Connie. “Ya know, cause clocks... have faces…” she added, suddenly a little uncomfortable at being the focus of everyone’s attention.

Greg chuckled. “Good guess, but not groan-inducing enough. No, a clock that’s still hungry goes back four seconds.”

Everyone save Jasper and Greg groaned in response. 

Jasper gave the table a light bop, just because.

Peridot thrust an arm in the air and said, “I believe I have formulated a suitable addition to this frivolity. What would one call a concert director who was standing in rain-repellent footwear?”

Like a game show contestant trying to answer first, Mary leaned on the table and blurted out, “A POOR CONDUCTOR!”

“Precisely!” exclaimed Peridot before turning to Mary’s son and saying with a generous smile, “Steven, spending this time with your progenitors is compelling me to revise upward my estimate of your evolutionary fitness.”

“Thanks, I think,” he said, bemused.

Connie, meanwhile, tried and failed to implode from embarrassment.

“I want in on some of this action,” said Lapis once the table had calmed down slightly. “Okay, okay, stop me if you’ve heard this one: what do you call a pair of Zoroastrian sword fighters?”

Silence.

“Give up? A dueling dualist duo!”

More silence.

“Huh... That joke used to kill 2,500 years ago. Maybe it loses something translated from the original Akkadian.”

* * *

After some prompting from Peridot, everyone was treated to the spectacle of her and Lapis cleaning the meal’s dirty dishes.

Floating fingers worked in small squads at their appointed tasks, liquids were whisked off of surfaces, and everything was cleared from the table via ostentatious display of hydrokinesis, gem-tech, or both.

A minute in, Mary sprang to her feet, begged the pair to stop for a second, and ran into the music store. In two trips she’d gathered a flute, a guitar, a ukulele, a violin and several pages of music. Connie looked down to see the score to _The Sorcerer’s Apprentice_ , from the old _Fantasia_ cartoon where a bunch of magical brooms clean up by themselves.

For the first time since everyone had arrived, the music playing in the house was turned off... and a live performance soon filled the void. Violin, flute, and guitar (Steven had politely demurred) probably wasn’t the arrangement Paul Dukas had in mind when he composed the piece, but the trio did a good job with their sight-reading.

Peridot and Lapis were then able to resume their work to live musical accompaniment. Even Jasper managed to crack a small smile at the display, leaving only Steven, when no one else was watching, looking put out.

Mary conducted the other two with the flute she was playing on. With a flourish and a fanfare, the last pot was rinsed and everyone, Jasper included, gave a round of applause.

When Lapis leapt into Peridot’s arms and gave the gem a dramatic kiss on the cheek, Greg and Mary cheered.

Jasper abruptly stopped applauding.

After that, everyone agreed it was time to step outside.

* * *

Lights, bright and decorative, were switched on. Outdoor speakers were turned on to keep the night’s background music ubiquitous. Greg, Mary, and Jasper hauled a number of large outdoor heaters out from the expansive greenhouse that dominated the backyard, the kind a restaurant might use to warm their outdoor patrons. The trio then arranged them so the four people who cared about such things could wander around and still avoid the cold.

Chairs were also moved into position so that the municipal firework display could be comfortably viewed once the time came.

Connie brightened up. “Oh yeah, they started doing that awhile back. Nowadays everyone brings pots and pans with them to bang during the finale at midnight.”

“That sounds great!” said Steven, the boy having quickly returned to his naturally ebullient state. “Mom, dad, can we do that this year too?”

“I don’t see why not,” answered Mary while smiling at her son. “We wouldn’t want the town to think we’re some kind of Boo Radley, shut up in the house over New Years.”

“I’ve got a whole box of hand-me-down cookware I’ve been hanging on to. I’m pretty sure it’s out in the garage,” said Greg. “Gimme a sec and I’ll go get ‘em.”

“More junk, dear?” asked Mary, all sweetness as she egged on her husband.

Greg shouted ‘Collectibles’ over his shoulder as he entered the house.

Lapis, who had the contents of a can of soda hovering over her shoulder and would take occasional sips off it with a straw, led Peridot over and struck up a conversation with Mary. “I gotta say, you Universe’s know how to host three non-carbon based guests. That name isn’t a hint is it? Because I’m used to winning all of the ‘traveled furthest’ awards at a party and I’d hate for that to change.”

Mary laughed. “No, all of that business about comets and star dust was just part of the act back in the day. But I am pleased that warm hospitality and good music can be appreciated by everyone. Well,” and she looked over where Jasper was sitting on the edge of the patio, staring up at the night sky, “almost everyone.”

“Ah, don’t worry about Irritable Scowl Syndrome over there. She’s got her scene and this just isn’t it. Pretty much the only force on this planet that could get the big lug here was that pair of big brown eyes over that little yellow sparkle,” said Lapis as she gestured to where Connie was standing a little ways away, talking animatedly with Steven.

Mary smiled at the sight. “She’s been pretty much all he talks about for the last two months. It’s sweet. He...” and Mary paused for a moment. She looked directly at Lapis and Peridot, her expression a little more serious, “He’s safe visiting with her… isn’t he?”

The two gems shared a look. With a nod from Lapis, Peridot spoke up. “Life for Connie certainly isn’t the same as it would be for a conventional human youth. However, her welfare is valuable beyond words to all of us,” and Lapis nodded in emphasis, “and we all do our utmost to keep her safe while… attempting to give her room enough to learn and grow. When Steven is over, we would naturally do the same. I should hasten to add that we would endeavor to protect him regardless of his affiliation or proximity to Connie, doing so is central to the Crystal Gem ethos. But…”

Peridot trailed off and Lapis jumped in, “Since we’re keeping an eye on Connie anyway, we’ll keep an eye on Mini-verse there free of charge.”

Mary’s shoulders relaxed and her smile seemed a little more natural. “Speaking as one mother to another, I don’t have to tell you how glad I am to hear that.”

There was a pause before Lapis and Peridot spoke at the same time. “I’m really more of a fun aunt.” // “I’m not a mother, per se; it’s… complicated.”

All three women looked at each other, uncertain how to proceed. Eventually Peridot barreled on. “You and your mate have been successful in accumulating adequate monetary reserves I see.”

Mary spent a second deciphering the Peri-phrasing before nodding in agreement. “Oh, yes. Greg is a passionate and talented man; that came across in his music and his performances and the fans loved him for it.”

During her talk, Mary’s eyes had shifted from dewy to smiling to steely all in a span of seconds. “He is also a big-hearted romantic with all the business sense of a day-old puppy. He used to have this sleazy manager who was exploiting him, all while doing a poor job promoting his act.”

“Ultimately everyone was happier when I was able to arrange it so Greg focused on his music, Marty, the slimeball in question, on his schmoozing, and everything else fell to me.”

She shook her head and finished with, “Still, those days are behind us now. We have this house, our businesses, and clearly Steven has found a lot to love about his new home. Thank you all for your part in that,” and she smiled broadly to the pair.

In the background, Steven and Connie were about fifteen feet up, above the lights hung in the trees, and making up constellations in the clear night sky. They were leaning against a force field sloping up while they braced their feet against a second arranged perpendicularly.

Jasper stood underneath, poised to catch them if Connie’s concentration happened to falter.

* * *

It wasn’t long after Greg had returned with the collectible cookware that the subject of dancing arose. Another trip into the garage, this time with Mary and Jasper to help, and a modular stage was brought out in sections. 

Soon enough a sizable dance floor was built, ready for all forms of dancing from all forms of dancers.

Greg and Mary were, in Greg’s words, “able to dance to anything conceived before 1990,” though after a few extremely dated requests from Lapis he amended the statement with, “and after 1900.”

True enough, Greg and Mary were out there for pretty much every song until Steven put on one of Sour Cream’s chiptune remixes. Lapis and Steven, however, did their own individual freestyle routines that got a loud round of applause by the song’s end.

For Connie it was as though the dance floor gave off a magnetic field that not only repulsed her but made her cheeks flush in contact with it. After it became clear Connie wouldn’t be dancing, she and Steven managed to entertain one another on the patio’s edge, using sign language when the music grew too loud to speak over.

However, there was a spontaneous conga line that swallowed her up once, and she managed to join Mary, Lapis, and Peridot for the first minute of Gloria Gaynor’s _I Will Survive_ before retreating once more to the sidelines.

The other big hit for the evening was Peridot and Lapis. Pretty much anything that could be categorized as ballroom dancing had the pair of them cutting it up on the dance floor, Peridot as the lead, Lapis as the follow. Swing or Big Band music in particular seemed to really energize them, with some truly spectacular throws and flips being possible when both superhuman strength and agility was combined with literal flight.

Jasper stood along the patio’s edge throughout, at times stoic, other times looking mildly amused, and still other times looking like she needed something bestial to punch. She did approach Lapis about a tango, but thirty seconds into it the Blue gem flew off, visibly distressed. 

She was silhouetted on the rooftop like a svelte gargoyle until Peridot coaxed her down twenty minutes later.

* * *

Things seemed to be winding down when _Bei Mir Bist Du Schön_ came on the shuffle and started to play. Lapis, who had been laying with her head on Peridot’s lap while the latter dropped grapes into her mouth, tumbled backward and sprang upright with manic energy. 

“Hey, P-dot! Remember back in ‘39 when we snuck into that costume party in Empire City? We danced to _this song_ just before a corrupted Jade showed up and blew the bandstand down. Come on, I want to see what it’s like to finish the song without a pissed-off piece of origami tearing through.”

Peridot only got as far as, “Ah, the archaic aerokinetic-” before Lapis had her halfway across the dance floor. The pair got into position as the opening trumpets played them in.

_Of all the boys I've known, and I've known some_  
_Until I first met you, I was lonesome_  
_And when you came in sight, dear, my heart grew light_  
_And this old world seemed new to me_

The duo swept across the dance floor, each grinning widely at the other in-between spins and twirls.

_You're really swell, I have to admit you_  
_Deserve expressions that really fit you_  
_And so I've racked my brain, hoping to explain_  
_All the things that you do to me_

Several of the people witnessing the dance knew that a good lead and follow could make the improvisational appear rehearsed. This, however, was something else entirely.

_Bei mir bist du schön, please let me explain_  
_Bei mir bist du schön means that you're grand_  
_Bei mir bist du schön, again I'll explain_  
_It means you're the fairest in the land_

The two swung apart for a moment and broke into a Charleston, arms and legs moving in synchronicity as Peridot laughed and Lapis smiled ear to ear.

_I could say "Bella, Bella", even say "Wunderbar"_  
_Each language only helps me tell you how grand you are_  
_I've tried to explain, bei mir bist du schön_  
_So kiss me and say you understand_

Peridot had taken Lapis’ hand, swung her in close, then placed a limb enhancer behind the small of her back. Lapis kicked her feet over Peridot’s shoulders as the Green gem dipped her deeply. At ‘So kiss me and say you understand’ both moved in close, their lips met in a deep yet playful kiss, and their gems flared brilliantly…

There was a bright, bright light, an amorphous form stretched up and up, and then a throaty voice cooed as the dance floor creaked under the sudden weight.

“Oh, do pardon Hiddenite, ladies and gentlemen. She didn’t mean to crash the party... though the party doesn’t really begin without her,” and she used all four hands to blow kisses to Connie, Mary, Steven, and Greg.

Connie had fallen off her perch near Jasper and could only gape, eyes wide in abject surprise.

Mary, standing by the music’s controls, had the wherewithal to turn down the volume but was otherwise staring with her mouth open.

Steven and Greg looked at each other, then back at the new arrival, and shouted, “GIANT WOMAN!” in unison, arms upraised.

Jasper stood with the length of wooden railing she’d torn free of the patio. It was unclear if the cracking noise was the wood buckling under her grip or the sound of her teeth grinding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regarding the musical and historical references/jokes this chapter, BR42 said, and I quote, "Sorry not sorry."
> 
> For any that are interested, you can listen to the version of Bei Mir Bist Du Schön [Lapis and Peri were dancing to here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe2UXccid40). There is also an excellent modern [cover of the song here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWvuB1vSsAc). Lyrics came from www.metrolyrics.com.
> 
> For added context, below is an informal doodle MJStudioArts made of Lapis and Peridot swing dancing, as well as the model for Mary we've been using internally.  
> 
> 
>  
> 
> * * *
> 
> There are two fics that either count as AUs of the Connie Swap AU, omake, or both. Regardless of what they are, we liked them and felt they deserved shout outs.  
> *) [Gem Swap](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10580706/chapters/23382729) by [timeisweird](http://archiveofourown.org/users/timeisweird/pseuds/timeisweird) \- “'So what is this thing, Pearl?' he asked, looking to the pale Gem besides him. 'It’s a dimensional stabilizer, but don’t worry, Steven. It’s harmless in its current state.'" Note: Contains an original promo pic from MJStudioArts.  
> *) [Self](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10843554) by [citrusella](http://archiveofourown.org/users/citrusella/pseuds/citrusella) \- "I've been me my whole life and somehow I still don't know what that means." Steven frets over the way he feels about different parts of his identity, but not before having an exciting day of adventure and discovery.
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	2. Sustained Fusion Reaction

The immense, green-skinned woman bent at the waist to look at the cheering pair that was Steven and Greg. “What a warm and delightful welcome for Hiddenite. It has been oh so long since she’s heard the adoring sounds of her many admirers.” 

She then straightened up to her full, impressive height and preened slightly. “Now please, give a girl a moment in front of her vanity before you really take an eyeful.”

She made a small gesture with one of her hands and everyone heard the squeak of an outdoor faucet’s handle being turned. A garden hose along the wall of the house shuddered and gushed water which then spiraled through the air in elaborate loops and swirls. The water fanned out and became a shimmering, translucent curtain around the giant woman, left open in the front. 

“Hiddenite will only be a minute. And no peeking,” she said as she drew the improbable curtain closed, adding with a wink, “unless you really must.”

Extending all four of her arms out, Hiddenite’s silhouette made the sounds of someone stretching, then gave a shuddering sigh of relief. She slowly rose from the ground and began to float above the dance floor. With an excited giggle she twirled and leapt in place, like an excited ballerina upon an invisible stage.

Connie had fallen off her seat and onto the patio below. “Jasper? Lapis and Peridot just danced, kissed, and turned into a two-and-a-half story, four-armed giant. This is weird even for my life! Could you tell me what the heck just happened?!” asked the girl, voice straining to sound only half-panicked.

There was a thud as a badly mangled length of wooden railing was tossed aside, then a large hand reached down and hauled Connie to her feet.

Mary, meanwhile, drifted over from where she’d been standing. She noticed the damage to the patio but chose to say nothing at the moment.

“That’s fusion,” said Jasper, her eyes never leaving the curtained figure. “Two or more gems can synchronize and combine into another, larger gem. New gem, new powers, new personality, all based on the constituents.”

Meanwhile Hiddenite, behind her curtain of water, was holding up what looked like a hand mirror while her other three hands fussed over her hair. Somehow all the porch lights had become angled towards her.

Connie still looked shell-shocked. “Is this going to be forever? Are… are Peridot and Lapis gone?!” The waver in her voice indicated that tears were certainly being considered.

Mary managed to produce a tissue somewhere on her person, which she handed the distraught girl. Connie shot her a grateful look.

“This is temporary,” growled Jasper, then adding more loudly, “It should never have happened in the first place.”

At that point the curtain of water transformed into a cloud of butterflies that flew out to swirl around the amazed and cheering forms of Steven and Greg.

Hiddenite hovered in the air as though lounging on an invisible chaise, one hand propping up her head, two hands draped across her hips, and the last one was used to blow Connie a kiss… a kiss of water that sailed through the air and landed lightly on Connie’s cheek. 

Then, with lazy grace, Hiddenite hovered into an upright stance and drifted over to the girl, whose neck craned ever higher as the giantess loomed overhead.

“Hello, Connie. Oh, Hiddenite has been longing to meet you, dear. She must say, you look absolutely wonderful tonight, almost as much as Hiddenite herself,” and four hands set to work concurrently patting Connie’s head, brushing imagined crumbs off her shoulder, pinching her cheek, and booping her nose.

“P-Pleased to meet you, uh, Hiddenite,” stammered Connie under the onslaught of the fusion’s multi-limbed attention. “So, you know me? Do… do Peridot and Lapis also know what’s happening right now?”

Hiddenite gave Connie a warm smile and tapped the gems on her brow and back. “Those two are here and loving every minute of being together as Hiddenite, so don’t you worry about them. And, dear, Hiddenite is the fabulous result of a pair who think of you a great deal; she knows you like the backs of her hands,” she said sweetly, making a show of examining each one before clapping a hand to her cheek in surprise and saying with a gasp, “Oh? How long has that been there?!”

That cut cleanly through the almost palpable sense of worry surrounding the girl. A laugh erupted out of Connie, who then clapped her hands over her mouth in surprise at the force of her response. 

Hiddenite grinned as a single, life-sized butterfly of water fluttered off the back of one of her hands and alighted on Connie’s nose. The girl, giggling, had to cross her eyes to see it but she could make out so many little details; it matched its real-life counterpart, down to even the tiny, curled proboscis.

A moment later and it fluttered off to join the others.

Jasper, her expression scornful, growled out, “Lapis, fusion is an expensive tactic to make strong gems unstoppable. You’re using it to show off for a _bunch of humans!_ ”

Four eyes rolled in response to Jasper’s words. “If you have something to say to Hiddenite, say it to all of Hiddenite. Now, let’s you and she be civil; Hiddenite promises to give you back your Lapis and Peridot once everyone’s had their fun. And don’t disparage our lovely hosts, for Connie’s sake if not for theirs,” and that seemed to put Jasper on the back foot.

Turning back to the girl, Hiddenite added, “Speaking of, Connie, darling, would you be so kind as to introduce Hiddenite to everyone," and she gave a dismissive sniff toward Jasper, "respectable?”

Connie straightened up. “Oh, alright,” and she turned to the woman standing nearby. “This is Mary Universe, Steven’s mother.”

Mary, being an erstwhile performer, rolled with the situation admirably, welcoming Hiddenite and inviting her to enjoy their hospitality. Hiddenite graciously accepted, complimenting her home and her outfit in the process.

Connie jogged and Hiddenite hovered over to Steven and Greg, who were both still playing with the water butterflies. In fact, Greg had been gently picking up the creations one at a time and placing them on the increasingly crowded (and damp) curls of Steven’s head. By the time Connie arrived, Steven was sporting a very dewy 'do indeed.

Connie smiled between them, her previous uncertainty all but gone. “Hiddenite, this is Steven and his father, Greg Universe.”

Hiddenite reached forward, high fived Steven and allowed Greg to kiss her hand. “It’s a pleasure to be met,” she cooed. 

With introductions made, the fusion drew herself up to her full height and announced, “As Hiddenite recalls, there was a delightful little musical number put on while pots and pans and dishes were scrubbed. That was the appetizer; Hiddenite is the main course... so I hope you’re hungry for more!”

She then floated up and over to the patio near the backdoor of the house, arms spread wide. “Ladies, gentlemen, your attention please… as though Hiddenite didn’t already have it,” and she sashayed in a little circle. 

“Lapis knows water but the poor thing is like Jasper with a jigsaw puzzle: clumsy. Hiddenite is big but she can work small, each droplet delivering kisses to her admirers,” and she gestured grandly causing a thousand tiny, watery lips to pepper every person present.

The only set of lips sent over to Jasper blew a raspberry on her cheek instead. Jasper reached up and crushed it in a single, large hand.

“Peridot gets in on the action too,” and Hiddenite giggled as though tickled by invisible touches, “fiesty, that one! Fusion means Hiddenite is greater than the sum of her parts, so here's a fun math equation: one Lapis plus one Peridot equals entirely too much fun controlling metal as well as water,” and an assortment of gardening implements along with a metal trashcan hovered over. With a gesture, the items banged out an impromptu cha-cha beat that Hiddenite danced coquettishly to.

“So pull up a seat,” and the metal chairs brought out for fireworks viewing hovered over and landed in a semi circle formation on the patio, “take a drink,” and cans of cola and beer danced through the air, “and prepare to be say goodbye to the old year in true style!”

With that the hose began to disgorge more water, collecting once more into an ostentatious curtain. A beat later and the doors to the house swung open of their own accord. A host of string and percussion instruments came soaring out, silhouetted behind the watery divider.

Steven cheered as he and Connie ran over to their seats. Once situated he wiggled his ears at the girl. “Just so I'm clear, Peridot doesn't have floaty metal powers, right? Is that how the fingers work? Is she Magneto? I hope her backstory isn’t as tragic as his. Actually, what is her backst-”

“Steven!” interrupted Connie, “Peridot doesn’t have metal powers. The floating fingers operate on gem technology, not magic. This must be something new that Hiddenite does.”

Greg cracked open a drink and leaned over to whisper something to Mary. Mary was looking over at the where Jasper was pacing restlessly, or maybe at the damaged railing, but she snapped to and smiled for her husband, whispering something back. With a chuckle Greg turned to Steven.

“Is it always like this over at Connie’s house, Shtu-ball? No wonder you’re always talking about her,” said Greg as he and Steven clinked drinks.

Steven flushed slightly. “Well, yeah. And, no. I mean, something is always happening even when nothing is happening, like she’s got a magical book that tells you stories and Peridot has these little robot balls that help out when she’s fixing the house and finding neat stuff on the beach is super easy with Lapis since she can,” and he made finger quotes, “‘tell the ocean to sit down and shut up’ and one time Connie made all these ramps with her force fields and Jasper did her fast spin thing and jumped them like she was motorcycle, well, more of a bouldercycle but…” and he took a moment to suck in a lungful of air, “having people Voltron together through dancing is new.”

Connie seemed torn between being embarrassed and being proud. However, the preparations upfront concluded, saving her from having to decide as everyone turned their attention forward.

A snare drum played a drum roll and the curtain swept itself aside before fluttering away. There stood Hiddenite, haloed by four violins, two violas, and three cellos. Curiously, the theremin Sour Cream had put on layaway hovered in front of the giantess as well.

The fusion cleared her throat. “And now, composed by the Fab Four and performed by this fabulous, four-armed beauty, a little ditty you all know and Hiddenite enjoys singing ironically: _Eleanor Rigby_.”

The instruments sprang to life and Hiddenite, harmonizing with the theremin, sang out, “Ahhh, look at all the lonely people.”

_Wait, did Hiddenite actually practice cello, viola, and violin or can she just do this? Peridot has that pile of instruments in her room but I’ve never seen Lapis play anything more complicated than a kazoo._

_-coolest! Sour Cream is gonna flip! Maybe I can get her to sign it when she’s done. When they’re done? Magical pronouns are hard. OH! I wonder if Hiddenite knows some sort of super duper sign language you need four hands to-_

_Whoa… I just had the best idea for an album cover._

_Talk about your Magical Mystery Tour._

The string ensemble played flawlessly and Hiddenite seemed to take particular pleasure every time the chorus came around.

“ _All the lonely people_  
_Where do they all come from?_  
_All the lonely people_  
_Where do they all belong?_ ”

Somewhere along the way Greg had pulled a lighter out of his pocket and was waving it overhead in time to the beat.

And with a final, fading note from violin and cello, the song ended. All the instruments angled forward as though bowing while Hiddenite did the same.

Four people began to cheer enthusiastically from their seats. Said seats were kind enough to lift up on their own, as though to make what was surely going to be a standing ovation all the easier.

“Oh stop, you’re all too kind to Hiddenite,” said the fusion as she hid behind a pair of her hands. The other pair, however, were making ‘come on’ and ‘louder’ gestures to the audience, then gave an ‘a-okay’ when Mary loosed a loud whistle.

“Freebird!” shouted Greg. 

Hiddenite and Mary gave him rueful looks. Connie shot an ear wiggle to Steven, who leaned in and whispered about that particular, concert-related taboo.

“Moving right along, Hiddenite thinks a little comedy is in order. Perhaps some observational humor? After all, there’s a great deal Hiddenite can observe from up here,” and all four of her hands were raised as though to shade her face from the sun. She peered out across the crowd, grinning widely.

“Like you, Mrs. Universe,” she started and Mary waved up at the fusion smiling. “A lovely specimen, I bet you’ve turned more heads than a proctologist working double shifts,” and Hiddenite made a point of coughing into a fist.

 _Ba-dum TISH!_ sounded out from a nearby drum set.

Greg laughed as Steven and Connie looked confused.

“And on the subject of observations from on high, your decolletage…” and she brought her hands to her chest, “geological features should be so lucky! Speaking as quite literally the largest lesbian on this planet, Hiddenite can say Mr. Universe is a lucky man.”

“Hey now!” shouted Mary, good-naturedly, as Greg drew her in for a kiss. Connie’s cheeks were blazing while Steven looked from Hiddenite to Connie, hands and mouth moving to sound out an unfamiliar word.

“And Steven; such a strapping lad. Hiddenite knows Lapis calls you Pinkie Pie, but honestly you’re more like a slice of cake. Beefcake! Connie knows what Hiddenite’s talking about.”

At this point Steven was beet red and Connie looked fit to combust.

Hiddenite looked down and pointed to Mr. Universe. “Greg, Greggy-poo, if your hairline retreats much further, Hiddenite will have to call it ‘Homeworld’; that joke goes out to the angry orange in the back row.”

Hiddenite gestured to Jasper, who glowered back. “Delightful,” deadpanned the fusion.

“Anyway, Connie mentioned how Doug met Citrine at your concert back in the day. Well,” and her larger, bottom pair of eyes were sparkling with impish glee, “people have talked about a killer voice but-”

Suddenly the fusion’s top pair of eyes went wide. Hiddenite shimmered visually for a moment like a glitched video game sprite.

Hiddenite patted herself all over. Though it was subtle, some of the color seemed to have gone out of the giantess, the sparkle of her gemstones looking more subdued. “Apologies. Hiddenite had a moment of, let’s call it, _Con-Fusion_.”

“Anyway, let’s stop picking on the home team and swing at the visitors instead. Connie, Hiddenite loves you too much to say anything mean about you… so she’ll pick on Jasper instead! Some say Jasper is a gem of few words, but Hiddenite says that’s not few enough. She has a good face for radio and a great voice for print. Little known fact, Jasper’s last name is ‘Steak’. She’s single so she’s Ms. Steak, and not at all well done. Hiddenite doesn’t know which is worse, her sense of smell or her sense of fashion. Maybe she doesn’t eat because she has no taste either.”

At this point the laughs had started to die away and everyone was looking around feeling a little awkward. 

Jasper cleared her throat, then spoke to the floating fusion. “Lapis doesn’t want you to know that Hiddenite can’t actually fly; she just forgot which way was down and is too embarrassed to ask for directions.”

_Ba-dum TISH!_

“Traitor,” muttered Hiddenite to the drum, her smaller, top eyes looking cheerful in contrast with the lower set. 

Someone in the crowd snorted. Hiddenite’s colors seemed to wane a little more.

“Har, har. Jasper, master of comedy,” she said with an ironic slow clap, “Hiddenite can tell you’ve been looking for something ugly to punch all evening, so here ya go,” and a pool of water hovered in front of Jasper, the liquid taking on a mirror-like sheen.

“Enough,” answered Jasper, “You’ve had your fun, Lapis. Fusion is for drastic situations, not entertainment.”

Hiddenite gave an apologetic look to Connie and the Universes then hovered over toward Jasper. “Darling, Hiddenite IS a drastic situation. I mean, look at her,” she cooed, a set of hands resting together under her chin. “Now, everyone should bring something to the party, so why don’t you bring silence? Hiddenite will make up for it and by being fun enough for three.”

The fusion turned and started to say something to the others when Jasper called out to her once more.

“Hey! Are you a Sapphire now? Is Peridot your Ruby? This kind of _shameless display_ belongs to the Apostate, not you. Spare Connie this deviancy!” shouted Jasper, before squinting at the trio of humans and adding, “Universe too.”

Hiddenite turned and tsked at the Quartz. “Such petulance. If you can’t behave, little Jaspy, you’ll have to take,” and an unoccupied chair zipped around behind the irate gem, scooping her up, “a time out.”

With that the chair soared up and over the house, landing somewhere in the front yard. A distant bellow of frustration pierced the night.

Two sets of hands clapped together. “Well, that was _exjasperating_. Honestly, she should save time and shapeshift the foot directly into her mouth, is Hiddenite right or what?”

Connie and Steven looked unmoored. Greg and Mary shared a glance, then Mary took a step forward. “Hiddenite, if you and Jasper need some space to work something out, the four of us-”

“No!” interrupted the giantess. “Don’t let that oaf ruin more than she already has. You’ll have to forgive her, it’s that infamous Quartzine temperment. She’ll cool off and in the meantime we can-”

“Laaapiiis!” roared Jasper as she leapt the fence into the backyard. Her eyes were locked on the fusion as she trampled through several flower beds and unknowingly or uncaringly crushed a garden gnome underfoot.

“When you and I fused, we turned the tide of the Rebellion. This world would be a terraformed husk were it not for Malachite. When you and Peridot fuse, you do frivolous things until you dull completely. This is not what Citrine would want. Unfuse immediately!”

Hiddenite seemed to lose a little more of her luster under the warrior’s disapproval. However, one set of fists went to her hips and the other arms crossed in front of her, the fusion taking a combative pose. “Hiddenite! Not Lapis! Figure that out you perfectly-formed idiot!” 

Jasper’s fists were clenching and unclenching at her side, but her voice was low. “Lapis. End this. Now.”

“You want Lapis, you big, orange brute! Fine, because she has some things she’s just _dying_ to say to you right now,” and with that Hiddenite floated over, her top pair of eyes closing shut while her larger bottom pair sparkled with savage glee.

“This isn’t about Citrine; this is about jealousy!” said the fusion loudly for all to hear. “You’ve been thirsty for a long, cool drink of Lapis for millennia, ever since Malachite, but especially since Doug swept in and made it clear Citrine was open to a relationship, just not open to a relationship _with you!_ ” 

Hiddenite hovered back a little ways, eyes locked on Jasper's. With a gesture a silver platter zipped out from within the house and hovered near the giantess. “Well, you can take your silver medal,” and Hiddenite mimed removing something from around her neck, “and go fuse with that!” 

The platter went whistling through the air directly at Jasper’s head.

In a split second the warrior summoned her helmet causing the projectile to break against it harmlessly. Deformed silver fragments careened across the yard. There was the sound of a window shattering in the vicinity of the large greenhouse.

Greg yelped. Mary grabbed Steven and Connie’s hands and pulled them in close. Connie summoned a force field in front of the group and another overhead, putting a layer of magic between the (mostly) humans and the ongoing dispute.

“You can’t control yourself, Lapis. That’s why you shouldn’t fuse with Peridot; she can’t contain you, can’t channel your power like I can. Remember the Lunar Sea Spire? Remember Lemuria?! This is wrong, Lapis, and it’s going to end the same way it always does: with you flying away to hide.”

“Do I remember-?! I’ve never forgotten for a _second_ what I did, what made Malachite necessary. And hide?! My room is a memorial as subtle as a tsunami, you obstinate piece of coprolite! I fly away because if I didn’t, by the time I was finished, your shards wouldn’t be big enough to control a matchbox.”

All four arms shot forward and a torrent of water erupted from several points in the ground, buried sprinkler lines rupturing to disgorge their contents. Jasper leapt sideways, then flipped a picnic table upright as a shield.

The water pummeled the wooden table to splinters but the hydrokinetic’s wrath was, for the moment at least, spent.

Jasper emerged from the wreckage and pointed accusingly at Hiddenite. “Fine! Let’s find something you _do_ care enough about to feel ashamed for this behavior. Every time you and Peridot reach the end of this tiresome cycle, you out-sulk her. She mopes around almost as wrecked as her limb enhancers but, unlike you, she doesn’t sit idle. And weeks or months later you fly back to the temple and find everyone else has gotten back to work. You leave her to clean up your mess.”

Hiddenite reeled, dimming to near monochrome, but refusing to relent. “Oh, like you’re any better. You were on patrol for pretty much the first two years of Connie’s life! Even Doug managed to stick around longer than that and he’s an absentee piece of-”

Hiddenite’s top eyes opened wide and the fusion staggered mid-sentence. “You _ALL_ abandoned Connie! Doug; Lapis; Jasper; before Connie had aged two months it was me trying desperately to ensure a fragile, helpless little being survived in an empty house and an emptier temple. My ersatz robonoids did more back then!”

Without noticing it, Connie and Steven had taken to holding one another’s hand in fearful solidarity.

Jasper, as had been the case since the moment the fusion appeared appeared, never took her eyes off of Hiddenite.

Hiddenite, top eyes wide with emotion, continued to rant. “For two gems who fought a war so gems could make their own choices, you all did nothing to support Citrine in hers. And for two who vowed to protect all life on this planet, you two did little-to-nothing to safeguard Connie’s. At least, not until she was old enough to be _interesting!_ ”

There was a loud bang and a series of flashes that caused everyone in Connie’s shelter to jump. The midnight fireworks display was underway and in the distance the sound of cheering and banging pots could be heard.

Hiddenite’s form wavered. She became an indistinct blob of light and then collapsed into a sobbing Peridot and a numb-looking Lapis.

For a time, no one moved save for Peridot crying into her hand-equivalents. Then, freeing herself from her shared grip with Steven, Connie stepped out from behind the barrier and called out to the distraught gems. “Peridot. Lapis. Jasper. Are- Are you guys okay? Is it safe for us to come out, because things got pretty scary and-”

Lapis, who had been staring with a dazed but faintly angry expression at Jasper, looked over at Connie. Her eyes widened with dawning horror. “Oh no... I’m- I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m SORRY! I’m-” she stammered as she looked around in mounting panic, her wings emerging from her back.

With a blur and a thunderclap that managed, for a moment, to drown out the fireworks, Lapis was gone.

The disturbance caused Peridot to snap her head up, then scrambled to her feet. “Wait! Lapis, no! Waaaiiit!” she cried as she raised a limb enhancer overhead and ran headlong. With a leap and a lurch, Peridot managed to take off, clearing the fence, the trees, and then disappearing in the retreating gem’s direction.

Jasper stood there impassively for a few moments. The helmet vanished from her head. Then the large gem turned and strode away in the direction of the temple. She didn’t slow or hesitate when she reached the fence; she simply _continued walking_. Her departure was punctuated by the loud crackle and pop of timbers snapping.

By the time Jasper vanished into the night, a broad section of fence had been trampled to kindling and another ten feet on either side sagged drunkenly outward.

* * *

Connie looked like a rescued flood victim: clutching a steaming mug of tea (lapsang souchong with honey stirred in), a blanket draped across her shoulders, sitting at the Universes' dining room table.

Steven was in the seat beside her, alternating between blowing on his own mug and casting furtive glances at the girl.

After Jasper’s departure everyone had stood stock still until after the fireworks finale ended and the sound of banging cookware died down. Mary and Greg had ushered the teens inside and Mary began preparing everyone hot drinks. Not that anyone was especially thirsty or cold, per se, it was simply what you did after a disaster if no one needed medical attention.

Greg and Mary then had a huddle in the kitchen, the susurrus reaching Steven and Connie but both were too preoccupied to make out the words.

After that, Mary found an excuse to give Connie and Steven space together while keeping both in sight. Greg went outside with a camera to begin photographing the property damage.

Eventually Steven broke the silence at the table. “If you leave out all the shouty parts at the end, it was a pretty cool New Year’s, actually,” he said in a gentle voice, studying Connie’s face intently.

Connie didn’t respond at first. Then she sipped her tea, licked her lips, and gave a small nod. “Yeah…” she said, before turning away from the middle distance and focusing on Steven’s face instead. She managed a weak smile. “I guess it was.”

She reached out and took his hand.

After another drawn out silence and more tea drinking, Steven asked, “Do you think they’ll be alright?”

The blanket around Connie’s shoulders rose and fell in a shrug. “From what they were saying, this wasn’t necessarily anything new. I mean, just because I’ve never seen a… blowout like that doesn’t mean much. I’m thirteen and they’re hundreds and thousands of years old. Maybe this just happens every other decade.”

Steven nodded. Connie once more stared off, though her grip on Steven’s hand remained firm.

Mary, meanwhile, was doing a masterful job cleaning an already spotless kitchen and certainly not listening in.

“But this _is_ different,” added Connie a little later, “because mom’s not here. I think she helped keep everyone balanced.” 

“Now there’s just me,” she said in a tired voice.

Steven looked about to say something when the backdoor opened and Greg stepped in, rubbing his hands against the cold, the camera making a bulge in one of his coat pockets.

“It’s brisk out there with all the heaters turned off. It feels like I haven’t really been warm at all this year,” cracked Greg. The joke cut through some of the lingering tension and garnered at least a chuckle from all corners.

Connie blew out a breath and swiveled in her seat to face Steven’s father. “Mr. Universe, I’m really sorry about all the damage. Peridot has her robonoids, oh, and I guess I can give my dad a call to-” but Greg waved her concerns aside.

“Don’t worry about it, Connie. With, uh... hey, Starlight, you know this paperwork stuff better than I do. Can I get an assist?” asked Greg with a little chuckle.

Mary smiled and set aside the washcloth she’d not at all been using as a prop. “With all the insurance subsidies and governmental relief funds and an oddly specific federal law called the _Dewey-Monroe Act of 1822_ , if we can make a clear case that all of this came from gem-related activity, we’ll probably be reimbursed for all the repair costs.”

Greg nodded to Mary and added, “And then mayor Dewey comes by and gives us a fruit basket.” 

Connie smiled and took a deep drink of her tea, finally tasting the layer of honey that had settled on the bottom.

After another moment, Greg cleared his throat and asked Connie, “To that end, would it be okay if you did something, uh, magical on camera somewhere in the backyard? I think that’ll make it clear we didn’t accidentally drive the car through the fence and blame it on gems.”

Connie agreed to come by in the morning and help Mr. and Mrs. Universe, in their words, ‘make the march of bureaucracy more of an uptempo ragtime than a dirge.’

Once that had been sorted out, Greg went to haul some of the night’s equipment back into the garage while Steven was, after receiving a ‘mom look’ from Mary, sent to go get ready for bed.

With all the men gone, Mary sat down near Connie, a serious if compassionate expression on her face. “Connie,” she said after a moment of quiet, “you’re free to stay the night here if you’d like. Tonight or any other night, for that matter. If you’re ever feeling… unsure about things at home, or if your dad isn’t around and you need a...” and she paused to consider her phrasing, “ _conventional_ adult to help you with something, you’re always welcome here.”

Connie hung her shoulders slightly but gave Mary a genuine, if small, smile. “Thanks Mrs. Universe. Things are weird at home sometimes-”

Connie paused then amended her statement. “Okay, a lot, but not usually in a bad way and never where I feel unsafe. I mean, yeah, monsters and all, but the gems are really good with those and I’m learning too. Plus, I’m really self-sufficient and Peridot has never been gone long even when… you know what, I think I’m going to stop talking now.”

Connie took a chagrined sip of lukewarm tea, eventually adding, “But, uh, I appreciate the offer. If I ever need to, I’ll take you up on it.”

Mary pulled Connie in for a hug.

She gave good hugs.

* * *

As Connie was preparing to leave, Greg, who was hunting around for his keys, exchanged another significant look with Mary. They nodded and Mary walked over to Connie with a pad and paper in hand. “By the way, would you mind writing down Doug’s phone number or email address for me? In case we need to contact him for paperwork or other adult stuff?”

“Oh, sure,” said Connie, who took the proffered pen and jotted down her dad’s contact info.

“Good night, Connie!” called Steven from the top of the stairs, clad in boxers and an old, oversized Mr. Universe shirt.

Connie went a little wide-eyed at that but managed to stammer out an appropriate response before stepping out the front door. Mr. Universe had pulled around in his van and was ready to drive her as near to the Beach House as the roads would get them.

Mr. Universe was warm and friendly, nattering about little things with Connie during the drive. When she pulled out her phone to text her dad, he was content to hum along to the music that always seemed to surround Steven's parents.

* _CoMa - 12:47am | Hi dad. Hope your New Year's was good. Can you call me in the morning?_

After waving goodbye to Mr. Universe and starting across the sand Connie yawned. Pulling out her phone she added:

* _CoMa - 12:52am | Maybe not too early in the morning._

* * *

Connie stepped into the silent Beach House. There were no notes left for her, no signs of recent activity. If anyone was home, they were in the temple and concerned enough with their own matters.

Connie went through her bedtime routine (reps, stretching, light cardio, shower, and brushing her teeth), climbed up to her loft, and curled up under the covers.

“Happy New Year,” she whispered to no one and before long was asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This brings us to the close of the Connie portion of _Universal Appeal_ but there's more to come and soon! We have a bonus chapter going out later this week: we'll be learning about Doug and Priyanka's New Year's Eve experience in this completely canonical and excellent chapter written by none other than [CoreyWW](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW).
> 
> Next Wednesday you can look forward to the start of **Episode 7: Assistant Connie**
>
>> Peridot has been sneaking off to work on a secret project and Connie decides to get involved. Mysteries, lore, and robonoid antics await!
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	3. Ringing In The New Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After you finish reading this chapter, there are related omake stories you might want to check out:  
> [Happy New Year](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/24396603) by [SilverScribe](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverScribe/pseuds/SilverScribe) \- "The new year brings new challenges for some and old challenges for others. Or, the immediate aftermath of the Crystal Gems crashing of Steven's New Year's Eve party."
> 
> [Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/24475980) by [CoreyWW](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW) \- "Greg can tell that Mary is troubled by the events of New Year's Eve."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While you _can_ read this chapter without having first read [What Can I Do For You?](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/23677404), it's not recommended. _WCIDFY_ may not be strictly canonical, but it is very, very close and we're treating the events thereof as having happened more-or-less as depicted sometime between the end of Episode 4 and this chapter here.
> 
> If you haven't read it, go read it, then read this.
> 
> If you have read it, go read it again. It's really good. Plus, you could probably use the refresher since that omake went up just shy of a month ago.

_You’re a real father of the year_ , _Doug,_ Doug thought bitterly as he stared at the picture of Connie on his phone. He sat behind the wheel of his parked car and sighed.

He was about to head into work and all he could think of was how he had disappointed Connie.

 _Again_.

 _Couldn’t even work the schedule enough to show up on New Years, what’s wrong with you?_ he thought to himself. It’s not that Doug didn’t _try_. He did. Ever since he began preparing to move back to Beach City, he’d been able to organize most of his work so he was nearby for important occasions.

Except _this_ job, which was organizing security detail for a ritzy New Year’s party at a ritz _ier_ hotel in Empire City. The client had insisted on having as many hands as possible, and despite his best efforts, he couldn’t get out of handling it personally. Losing a client was bad for business, bad for supporting Connie (as well as Lapis’ spiteful eating habits), this was the responsible thing to do ...

Doug saw it that way and knew Connie understood that to some degree. But he also knew years from now, Connie would only see this as another time her father wasn’t there for her.

He groaned and put his head on the steering wheel. He glanced back at the phone, at the picture of Connie ...

Suddenly, his phone jolted to life at a loud volume, screaming the lyrics “ _CAUSE I’M HAVING A GOOD TIME, HAVING A GOOD TIME!”_  
  
Doug flinched at the noise. A picture of Priyanka came up on screen, the words “PRI” in large white letters.

Doug actually managed to smile for the first time all day. Ever since they became “official,” Doug had to admit he’d been in a much better mood. He may not have been happy being away from Connie so much, but at least having someone like Priyanka to be with made it bearable.

He accepted the call and cut off Freddie Mercury’s vocals as the phone sang “ _I’M A RACING CAR PASSING BY LIKE LADY GODIV_ -”

Doug put the phone to his ear.

“Hello?” Doug said.

“Hey Doug,” Priyanka said warmly over the line. “What are you wearing?”

Doug stifled a laugh.

“The same jacket I always wear and jeans?” Doug said.

“ _Kinky_ ,” Priyanka said. She chuckled. “Seriously though, how’s your New Year’s Eve been so far? Already with your daughter?”

Doug frowned, his mood instantly souring. He had forgotten Pri didn’t know. He put his hand to his forehead.

“No ...” Doug groaned. “No, I’m actually in Empire now.”

“Huh?” Priyanka said. “I thought you were visiting Conn--”  
  
“I was but ... there was a problem, I had to work this job here instead,” Doug said. “Some ritzy party at _Le Hotel_ or whatever.” He shook his head. “I couldn’t get out of it.”

“Oh,” Priyanka said. “Doug, I-I’m sorry. Are you alright or--”

“No, don’t worry about it, I’m fine,” Doug said. He gave a bitter laugh. “Happens all the time. Unfortunately.”

There was a brief silence over the phone.

“You said this was the party at _Le Hotel_?” Priyanka said.

“Yeah,” Doug said. He glanced out of his front windshield at the tall building. “I’m about to go in now, actually.”

“I ... I see,” Priyanka said. She paused. “Doug?”

“Yeah, Pri?”

“Sometimes stuff comes up,” she said. “It doesn’t make you a bad person. Remember that.”

Doug took his glasses off and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“I-- thanks,” Doug said halfheartedly. He felt a little better knowing Priyanka thought that ... but he didn’t think she understood the full extent of Doug’s pattern of disappointment. “I should probably head in.”

“Okay,” Priyanka whispered. “I hope you have a good night. Sorry you have to work.”

“It’s alright. You have a good night too.”

“Love you,” Priyanka said.

“I-” But Priyanka had already ended the call.

It took Doug a moment before he realized he was about to say he loved Priyanka back without hesitation.

He stared at his phone briefly before he shoved it in his pocket and left the car.

* * *

It wasn’t that much work, which was probably the worst part for Doug. If it was difficult, he’d at least feel a little justified in having to be there. He had people working the door, the ballroom, and every other floor. But there had been no disturbances. All he’d probably end up doing was _maybe_ escorting a few drunks out later (it was a New Year’s party, after all).

For the moment, all Doug did was stare at upper crust people in tailored clothes in the main ballroom, most standing with drinks in their hand, some slow dancing on the dance floor, listening to the same classical music on a loop ...

 _I couldn’t spend New Year’s with my daughter cause I had to go play wallflower at a party I didn’t want to go to_ , Doug griped internally. _Never thought I’d have to deal with this kind of crap after college ..._

After using his walkie talkie to check every floor was clear for the twentieth time (which of course it was), he just glanced down at his feet, grumbling to himself.

“Excuse me, sir?”

Doug looked up, shocked that he recognized the voice.

In front of him was Priyanka, a sly smile on her face. Almost as surprising was the the new, beautiful red dress she was wearing. Doug was used to seeing Priyanka in a lab coat or casual clothes so often. This was the first time he’d seen her in something so ... _flattering_.

“Priyanka, what are you doing he--” Doug started.

“Oh, I finally found a security officer,” Priyanka cut him off slyly as she stepped towards him. “You see, I’ve only just arrived and I don’t want to start any trouble.” She grinned. “I assume you’ll have to pat me down ...”

Doug swallowed, feeling his cheeks get hot.

“I um ... I don’t actually frisk people,” Doug said.

Priyanka reached up, slipping a single finger under his shirt collar and leaned close.

“I could frisk _you_ ,” Priyanka whispered.

Between that and the red dress, Doug was having an _extraordinarily_ hard time not letting his mind ... wander ... places.

Before Doug could say anything, Priyanka chuckled, backing away from him.

“Oh gosh, the look on your face is _adorable_ ,” she said with a smile.

Doug tried to say something, but all that came out was a stuttering mess. When he was able to form a coherent sentence, he asked, “What are you doing here?”

She waved her hand towards Doug.

“To see you,” Priyanka said. “Especially after your plans fell apart, I figured it was the least I could do. You don’t deserve to spend New Year’s all by yourself.”

“Wow ...” Doug felt touched. He couldn’t believe someone like Priyanka would get dressed up and come here just on his account. “T-thank you.” He shook his head. “But ... how did you even get in here?”

“Oh, I just seduced the guard working the front,” Priyanka said with a half smile.

Doug’s eyes went wide.

“What the-- which one was it?! Was it Reynolds?! _I bet it was Reynolds_!” Doug reached for his walkie talkie, but Priyanka put her hand on his to stop him.

“Doug, I’m joking,” Priyanka said. “People from the hospital get invited to this every year. This is just the only time I’ve bothered to show up.”

Doug blinked at her.

“Oh ...” Doug slowly settled the walkie back on his belt clip. “Right.”

“Never figured you for the jealous type,” Priyanka said with a laugh.

“I wasn’t-- _I’m not_!” Doug said, still blushing. “Just ... making sure things stay secure.”

Priyanka giggled.

“Doug ... you’re a dork,” she said.

Doug frowned.

“Yeah, I know,” he said.

They both caught each other's eyes and laughed. Doug had to admit, she’d only been there a few minutes and already Priyanka was making things a thousand times more fun.

* * *

Like Doug expected, as midnight got closer, there still wasn’t much for him to do. A couple of his co-workers had to escort a drinker out, but that was about it. But thankfully, Doug felt a lot better about everything by having Priyanka to talk to.

She had hardly left his side the entire shift until there was a ringing from her purse.

She pulled out her phone and looked up at Doug.

“Hang on, give me a second. It’s Anjan,” Priyanka said.

“Oh, okay,” Doug said, recognizing that as the name of her son.

Priyanka smiled, stepped away a bit and answered the call.

Doug stared at her. As they had gotten closer, Priyanka had told Doug a lot about her son. Priyanka had gotten married at eighteen and had Anjan less than a year later. He was grown now, living on the west coast. Priyanka talked a lot about how hard raising Anjan had been after the marriage went sour; taking care of a child while going through a separation and eventual divorce was not exactly fun.

But she was still there for her son, despite all that.

 _So exactly what excuse do_ you _have, Doug?_ he thought to himself.

Priyanka walked back to Doug after hanging up the phone.

“He just wanted to say ‘happy New Year,’” Priyanka said with a smile.

“Good kid ...” Doug said with a nod.

Priyanka frowned and nudged his shoulder.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Priyanka said. “You got that look on your face again.”

“Nothing, I’m fine,” Doug said.

Priyanka tilted her head down to look him in the eye.

“Doug, I care about you, but you are probably the worst liar in the world.”

Doug sighed.

“Yeah ...” he said. “It’s just ...” He chuckled. “I guess I realized I kind of envy you.”

“What? Why?” she said, raising an eyebrow.

“You make it seem so easy, I guess. You know ... being a good parent.”

In a rare move for Priyanka, her cheeks turned a faint red, though she didn’t acknowledge it. She turned away with a scoff.

“Well, I appreciate you thinking that,” Priyanka said. “I know I didn’t always feel like a good parent at the time, because of ... well ... everything that was happening.”

“Yeah, but you still _did_ it. You were there for your kid. You raised him right. And I’m ...” Doug waved his hand at the party. “Look at where I am, you know.”

“It’s ... it’s just one New Year’s, Doug.”

Doug didn’t respond, because it was _always_ just one New Year’s, just one birthday, just one missed trip, just one milestone he wasn’t there for. All the times he’d ever thought “it’s just once” had added up so many times, he’d lost count a long time ago.

He felt Priyanka’s hand on his shoulder.

“Look, it’s okay if it’s hard. I know you say I make it sound easy, but it’s not. It’s never easy. It’s hard work but, you know ...” Priyanka smiled. “You can do it.”

Doug gave a faint smile back.

“Thanks,” Doug said.

Priyanka nodded and pulled her hand back.

“I would love to meet her though,” Priyanka said. “Connie, I mean. It’d be nice to see what she thinks about me.” Priyanka’s eyes went wide in curiosity. “Has she said anything about you having a girlfriend?”

“Oh ...” Doug said, a sinking feeling in his chest. This was probably a bad time to bring up that Connie soooorta wasn’t even aware of Priyanka’s existence. At all.

Doug coughed and scratched the back of his head.

“Um, y-yeah, about that--”

Doug was cut off by the crackling of his walkie talkie.

 _“Hey, looks like the ball’s gonna drop in two minutes,”_ in a voice Doug immediately recognized as Reynolds.

Priyanka looked back at the dance floor.

“Oh really? Wow, didn’t realize it was that close to midnight,” Priyanka said.

Doug breathed a silent sigh of relief at the interruption.

 _Thank you, Reynolds! That was a completely asinine thing to say over the walkie but I love you for it!_ Doug thought.

He reminded himself to deal with that particular oversight later.

Out on the dance floor, someone at the party mentioned it was close to midnight, just like Reynolds’s had.

There was a brief awkward silence.

“Doug?” Priyanka said.

“Yes, Pri?” Doug said.

Priyanka shifted uncomfortably.

“Do you know it’s been ... well, years since I’ve ever actually had fun at a party?” Priyanka said.

In the background, someone said it was time to start the countdown. A small crowd on the ballroom floor did.

“Really?” Doug said. “I ...” He chuckled. “All I did was stand here and talk.”

“Yeah, I know, but ...” Priyanka scratched behind her ear. “It was nice.”

_9 ... 8 ..._

Doug smiled at her.

“Yeah ... yeah it was,” Doug said.

_7 ... 6 ..._

“Thanks for coming out here to see me like this,” he added. “And for, well, everything else you said. I-it did help me feel a little better.”

“I’m glad,” she said.

5 ... 4 ... 3 ...

Doug’s cheeks got hot.

“Y-you know it is New Year’s,” Doug said. “Would it be alright if I--”

Priyanka rolled her eyes.

“Do you even have to ask, Doug?” Priyanka said.

Doug smiled and gently his hands on her hips.

2 ... 1 ...

They both leaned forward and shared a kiss at the same moment the crowd yelled out, _“HAPPY NEW YEAR!”_

* * *

_Hi dad. Hope your New Year's was good. Can you call me in the morning?_ said the text from Connie, sent at around one in the morning. It was followed by another text a couple minutes later reading _, Maybe not too early in the morning._

Doug didn’t see it until the following morning, sitting on the side of Priyanka’s bed (Doug had actually had a hotel room in Empire for the job but he never ended up going back that night). He sighed.

Doug hoped that Connie had a good New Year’s Eve with everyone. He was certain she had had a lot of fun, but he still wished he had been there.

Doug glanced back at Priyanka on the bed, who was still fast asleep, covered by the bed sheets.

He thought back to what Priyanka said last night, how being a good parent was a lot of work, but she believed he could do it. It had been a long time since someone other than Connie or Citrine had had that much faith in him.

Doug took a breath.

He was going to do better. He was going to be there for Connie. He was going to take responsibility for his actions.

And the best way to start was by coming clean about things.

It was still a little early, just a little past seven, so instead of calling, he texted back.

 _Happy New Year’s to you too, sweetie_ , Doug typed. _I’ll call you in a bit. I’m really sorry I couldn’t make it this year. I’m going to do better about that. I’ll be home soon._

He stopped texting, and glanced back at Priyanka as she stirred in her sleep.

Doug glanced back at the phone and added another line to the text.

 _There are some things we should talk about,_ he typed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to CoreyWW for agreeing to write this. We were extremely happy to have him do for our Doug and Priyanka in canon what he did for them in the [omake](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/23677404). And a special thanks to MjStudioArts for working her magic and making extra art for an off-schedule, additional chapter.
> 
> So ends _Universal Appeal_ but next Wednesday begins **Episode 7: Assistant Connie**
>
>> Peridot has been sneaking off to work on a secret project and Connie decides to get involved. Mysteries, lore, and robonoid antics await!
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading! 


End file.
